Isis Fail


Now I’ll admit upfront, I’m an atheist/pantheist sort who doesn’t believe in the literal existence of God(desses), but I love me some Isis.  As a full blown pagan, I would  have been irked at some of these representations of my favorite Goddess, but honestly, if god(s) are as great as we think and hope they are, they should be made of stern enough stuff to not care about the shitty images made of them.  Maybe YHVH was on to something when he said you shouldn’t make graven images of ‘the lord your god’ because he  foresaw what would be in store!  Too bad Jesus didn’t specify that there were not to be images of him created, because there are some DOOZIES out there! (Which I will be featuring; I love the 3-D clocks with plastic flowers).  Even though we’re starting off with Egyptian images (they are really prevalent) no art will be safe.

But back to Isis.  She was worshiped far beyond Egypt; temples have been found as far as Bath, England (maybe even further) and she was revered long after Egypt collapsed, and is very big in Pagan circles.  She was worshiped for really good reasons; as a writer whose name escaped me said:  “She got all the good stuff,”   Women, mothers, children, crops, life in general.  She was clever, compassionate, generous, and when she wanted something, she got it, and don’t you dare get on her bad side, yo!  Her son Horus rose to great prominence, his popularity rivaling old Ra even.

People love her still, so why do they do this?

Okaayyy, she probably was a bodybuilder with nice pert breasts, and had three jars following her everywhere.  This reminds me of a Batman model I built when I was a kid, a diorama thing that I was soooo proud of, and it’s really not that heinous, because aren’t good god(desses) pretty?  In a comic book way?  Because they’re good?  Tell that to Bes.  I have a bra like that, and I am not even that well endowed, and the titties flop out.  It doesn’t work.  This is not the worst, but before we go on, let’s look at real Egyptian art to see what the Egyptians (or at least this particular sculptor) imagined Isis to be:

Now I know there’s a little conflation with with Hathor here, and both Goddesses were often thought to be aspects of one, but I’m not going there right now.  I just want us to soak up some gorgeous bas-relief done over 2000 years ago by artists who obviously knew enough about human proportions to carve this thing to last.  I like her; she’s a little hippy, got a bit of a tummy (she did have Horus, after all) but still loving and offering her blessing.  This is not the only example of Isis out there, and it is certainly not my ‘gold standard’  it’s just a good image.

Yes, you can buy this, but why would you want to?  Never mind the colors; the original could have been this bright once, but the arms; THE ARMS!  If my arms were that long, I wouldn’t bother with walking, I would just swing from the trees as my ancestors did.  I may jest about Barbie faces on a reproduction, but this one is just plain ugly.  I will not say who is selling this, but it isn’t cheap; I have cheaper replicas that cost far less.*

Speaking of WTF replicas, feast your eyes on this:

Alexis Carrington, anyone?  Okay, I’m old, and it is a character played by Joan Collins (LOVE HER) in Dynasty, an 80’s prime-time soap that was very popular.  This cringe-worthy thing is $300 if you want it, and I bet you can find it if you want to.  I would rather see Joan play Sekhmet, but that’s just me.

Man, she’s looking pissed off here.  Maybe it’s the angels; I doubt Isis would like  angels; maybe she’s being pissy sitting on the Ark of the Covenenant, and is just waiting for Indiana Jones to kick her off the thing. “I DARE YOU!”  Old Indiana crawls away.

You can buy this too, if you want.  By the way, I don’t think the pentagram ever appeared in Egyptian art, save those lovely little stars on Nuit’s belly.  She looks like Charles Gray in a wig trying to pass a doody bubble.  Not a nice way to portray a goddess I still like.

Since WHEN does Isis have pointy ears?  Oh, NEVER!  Blue skin?  Nope, that’s hubby, because he’s dead.  That’s OK.

To quote Al Pachino in The Devil’s Advocate:  “Worship that?  Never!”  Avatar, anyone?

Now the worst thing ever done to Isis has not been recent, nor is it for sale (unless there are DVDs I don’t know about) and I actually liked this shit when I was little ( and she gave me shit for it!), I give you the Saturday morning icon:

Enough said.

Now, I passed on some comic book images of Isis that were more of the same, but if anyone remembers this show you know it was a huge ISIS FAIL!

Post more Isis fail, please.

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